Quiet Storm

When I was in the Dominican there were nights like this. Quiet, stormy and thought provoking. The way the wind whipped my long blonde hair and tossed it around my face made me feel more alive than I had in a while. It was if it were saying “Come with me, I have wisdom to share with you.” I would sit in the rain letting the drops wash over my face hoping they would cleanse me of everything I had ever done. I longed to be a new person in that moment of healing. I hoped that when I returned home I would never be the same. That works for a little, but soon old habits come back and you forget about the you that stood in the rain and swore she would be different. And as I stand here now years later on the other side of the world I’m reminded of that night, that desire. I wonder why change is so hard to achieve in yourself, yet when you don’t wish for it to happen it seems nothing can stop it. I’ve learned it needs to be a daily event, hypothetically standing in the rain and decide I will be different. And perhaps one day I will make the me back then proud by being the woman I promised God I would be. Every battle worth winning is just that, a battle. And I refuse to loose this one, again.

I saw sparks…

That song. Coldplay gets it, and listening to Sparks today, my mind wanders back to when I first heard it. It was years ago, when I decided to accomplish everything I wanted. I made a poster with magazine clippings and hung it on my door, one piece of paper saying “You can get anything you want.” That became my motto. I was younger, dating, living with my parents, working two jobs, residing in a small uninteresting town. I wanted to live somewhere else, marry someone else, have babies, and live happily ever after. So I strived for that, everything I did had a purpose, a plan. I knew exactly what I wanted, and three years later, I got it. All of it. So here I sit, with my son playing in his Jumperoo, listening to a song from a different time, and I wonder where that driven girl went. Back then I didn’t have anything I wanted I thought; but I knew who I was. I took it for granted though, I was too busy trying to become someone else, and now that I am, I feel lost sometimes. I am who I imagined, but I’m still working through it. I’m a workaholic, flighty, spontaneous extrovert. I just haven’t seen that girl in a while; I doubt I will ever again. I’ve become a woman, and I have different responsibilities now, ones I wouldn’t trade for anything. Sometimes a peek into the past to see what got you here helps you appreciate the you back then, so you can move on to be who you are now.

Did I drive you away?
I know what you’ll say,
You say, “Oh, sing one we know”,
But I promise you this,
I’ll always look out for you,
That’s what I’ll do….

…I saw sparks…