Are you suffocating momma?
Are those little hands wrapped around your heart too tight?
I know. Me too.
My head is swirling with:
“am I enough”
“do you feel loved enough”
“am I ruining you”
“are you ok”
“am I ok.”
The babbling, whining, crying, singing. Sometimes it’s too much, and I can’t think. I feel like I’m falling in love and drowning at the same time. My insides are going to explode there is so much emotion bubbling up in there. As you play at my feet, zooming your matchbox cars, I sip my coffee staring out the window. I feel so trapped and yet so happy. It’s as if every feeling is fighting to be at the forefront of my mind. And I’m the one whose losing.
I distract myself, I go for walks, I call my best friend, I try to do things just for me. But it catches up to me. I can hide from it for awhile. I think I’m doing OK. “I’ve got this” I say. But there it is, just where I left it. This weight of motherhood. The love, fear, exhaustion. It nags at me until I’m drowning again. Every emotion is so raw, so real. I want to scream, run away, hide from the responsibility. But then nap time ends, and I’m thrown back into the cycle.
Praying for direction, I can feel the clouds of confusion clear. I feel the pulse of something bigger than me, and I can feel the peace that passes all understanding. I’m living my dream, my answer to years of prayer. God granted me the desires of my heart. I get to wake up everyday and do something incredible. I get to raise my babies. I get to be their mom. And sometimes I think “I DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS”! When in reality I did. I signed up for all of it. Once those two pink lines came into view I metaphorically signed my name on the dotted line.
God chose to give you small humans to raise as your own. He saw all this coming, he knew how you would do, and he saw the mistakes and victories and let you have not one, but two babies. He loves you, and so do they.
Chin up buttercup, you might think you can’t so this, but you need to pause and look around. You already are. It’s a glorious mess and you’re on the front lines. So breathe. I promise you won’t drown.
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