By the end of my second pregnancy I was huge, tired, mentally drained, just hoping for a calm birth. After having contractions off and on all day my body kicked into hyper drive, we raced to the hospital and I had my daughter 20 min later, drug free and all. As I held her, I was so incredibly proud of myself that I had endured something I swore I couldn’t handle.
I’m going to breastfeed this baby
Holding her up to my chest, she latched on perfectly and I felt a wave of peace. I had done it. Finally. After being unsuccessful with my first, and having so many regrets from that, I felt I could finally be a “good” mom to my daughter.
After a few days had gone by my nipples were split in half and bleeding.
This was normal, just work on the latch.
I got mastitis twice. In two weeks. I had no energy for her or my 19 month old son.
This can happen, especially when you’re using the nipple shield.
I was pumping, trying to keep my supply up. I did everything in my power to fix myself, to keep going. She was feeding a lot and growing. I wasn’t. I was crying every day, I felt like a milking machine. I was losing all kinds of weight, just what wanted. I was feeding my baby via my body. Just what I had prayed for. All I felt was darkness. I dreaded every time she was hungry, every time she needed something. I wanted to run away and quit being a mom.
I didn’t realize at the time I had PPD big time, but I knew I wasn’t okay. I cried every day for 3 weeks straight, and I think I slept 10 hours during that time. But I was breastfeeding, doing the best for my baby. So it was worth it right? Sitting on my bed during a feeding, crying out to God I finally blubbered out,
I CANT do this
And then a little voice inside me said what I was really feeling:
I don’t WANT to do this
Sure I could continue, I could suck it up, but it wasn’t healthy. I wasn’t bonding with my daughter. And I know it was probably pretty traumatizing that every time she was hungry her mom was just sobbing and angry from the pain. I knew she could feel my stress. She didn’t soothe easily, she wasn’t sleeping much and I could tell she wasn’t happy either. I didn’t want to fail again, I thought. But then this occurred to me. What good is all this nutrition without the love and bonding from her mom. How is a year of breastfeeding going to be better than a happy healthy mom who loves her and is excited to meet all her needs. Who can nurture her mind and inspire her spirit. I wasn’t that mom right now, and I couldn’t be that mom when all my energy was being funneled into surviving the next feeding session.
So in that moment I chose myself over her. I chose my needs over hers for both our sake. I let myself “fail” at breastfeeding so I wouldn’t fail at being her mom. Being a parent means making really tough calls, and constantly choosing your kids needs over your own. But sometimes, its okay to choose yourself. As a mom who has now formula fed two babies, I can say I love it. It works for me, and it works for us as a family. I applaud moms who breastfeed, who love it. But for those moms who don’t, or cant, its okay! There should be no shame or judgment on you, ever. We’re all doing our best, we’re all in the trenches of motherhood with our infants and toddlers just trying to make it through the day with our messy buns and lukewarm coffee.
Whatever choices you make as a mom, and whichever direction that takes you, even if it’s away from the crowd, just make sure it’s one that allows you to look in the mirror every day, raccoon eyes and all and say to yourself:
I’m proud of you.
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